too much too soon?

well,
since no one responds to these blogs, i will talk to myself in circles as i always do. i have identified a pattern. after a night of too many sleeping pills that amount to nothing but tossing and turning. I wake up energized but extremely compulsive, depressed and overwhelmed.
the excitments lasts about 30 minutes, from there is pure torture, 10 diet cokes, gum gum gum
food, food, food, fat , fat, fat.
i can not think clearly and it bothers me that real life goes on. i mean i do not want to do anything productive other than browse web sites with shocking images of skinny people that ultimately end up triggering me towards the mother of all binges!!!!
agh!!! I also hate that I am so weak and try so hard to please my mom and dad, i mean i am afraid of my younger sister! what a chicken! I live in constant fear and a state of extreme paranoia because of the many many pills that I take...and should not be taking opf course....i know they know, but still.
the other topic is, going to treatment....again.....i was thinking of footing the bill, but i do not have enough, also i was thinking of going to a place that will only treat my addiction to pills. do not attempt to undo my eating disorder! no! it is my friend!
shit, has any one out there felt like this?????
what the fuck can i do to prevent a fucking binge!!!!