neverfeltmoresad

Hello,
I have been dead for more than 12 years now. but today , more than any other day, i am thinking that perhaps i should finally rest. leave end it all. i have been in rehab for my ed. did not help. since, i have tried OA, shrinks, prayers, meditation, everything. nothing mitigates the pain.
looking back, the happy momenys have been very few compared to the intense feelings of despair, the increasing losses of friends, credibility, well you know.
now, i am in even more trouble, developed yet another addiction. i can't sleep.
i think about the future and i do not see anything getting better, even as i am trying. i am doomed. yes. i believe you can heal. no. i do not believe i can i am gone.
and the irony? i am not even slender!
but now, after "getting healthy" for my mom's 50th bday wish, i can't stop over eating. but if i starve i am unhappy because it is uncomfortable. yet as soon as i eat, i feel dirty and perverted and disgusting. so yes, my worse fear will come true. I will die fat.