i know what you are thinking

well, yesterday was a very sad day for me. I was not anxious, not angry. plain desperate, lonely and sad. driving home, i started just fucking wondering. how?. I have the tools, or so they say. yet, i protect my disease. my lover, my friend. My bones. I know them and i love them. now i miss them, not because they are pretty. no! because they make me feel safe and restrained. i eat, thus it means that i do have a body, i have needs, i am like any other human being. i am normal. Normal, the scarriest, most loaded word, even more so than "fat" or "heatly". Normal.
Bland. See? i know others feel exactly what i feel and think exactly what i think.
so far, today i have seen two people i care about. on the down side, i am still hiding, and will keep doing so for the rest of the weekend. me, my thoughts and my hedonistic, narcissistic self.