I Need to Die Soon

i am done. i have said this so many times before it now sounds like a broken record. but the more i live, the more i die.
i feed off this emotional pain. i am exhausted and broken inside, i need to hurt others, but i am such a coward that I simply end up hurting myself.
fuck it all to hell!

too much too soon?

well,
since no one responds to these blogs, i will talk to myself in circles as i always do. i have identified a pattern. after a night of too many sleeping pills that amount to nothing but tossing and turning. I wake up energized but extremely compulsive, depressed and overwhelmed.
the excitments lasts about 30 minutes, from there is pure torture, 10 diet cokes, gum gum gum
food, food, food, fat , fat, fat.
i can not think clearly and it bothers me that real life goes on. i mean i do not want to do anything productive other than browse web sites with shocking images of skinny people that ultimately end up triggering me towards the mother of all binges!!!!
agh!!! I also hate that I am so weak and try so hard to please my mom and dad, i mean i am afraid of my younger sister! what a chicken! I live in constant fear and a state of extreme paranoia because of the many many pills that I take...and should not be taking opf course....i know they know, but still.
the other topic is, going to treatment....again.....i was thinking of footing the bill, but i do not have enough, also i was thinking of going to a place that will only treat my addiction to pills. do not attempt to undo my eating disorder! no! it is my friend!
shit, has any one out there felt like this?????
what the fuck can i do to prevent a fucking binge!!!!

Help!!!NeedNot to Binge!!!! Pleaseeee

big fuck!!!
I feel utterly compulsive and fat at the same time, i want to eat!!! not binge, no! eat!!! and taste and enjoy food!! dammit!!!
but the sleeves of my shirt are squeeezing my fucking fat arms!
and you know what really bothers me the most? this is not even relevant! or at least it should not be! I should be focusing on work and stop being so delushional.
how sad! just this morning I was all smiles....well, happy because i have not thrown up in a week and a few hours later i feel so bad and fat and unworthy ...
holy crap!!!
PS: I really dislike one of younger sisters, this really pains me but we have nothing in common. Ughhh she is such a bitch....ruined my other sister's life by "attempting suicide" ...attention whore......
I feel CRAZY!!!!!
Help

What does relapse means to you?

hello,
well., at this stage of my disease, i consider a week without purging (of course i still eat weird)...I feel like I could manage...ahhhh!!!
I am writing this very early, it is only 7 in the morning, but I' d rather mark my words now...and if the 7 day itch starts kicking in, then, I will read this entry and remember how good it feels to go to the restroom and use it, for....just going to the restroom.
yesterday I was quire upset because of my job and other major frustrations with my father, instead of stuffing my face..I chose the higher road and remember that (sadly) this is my body and, although he cares about me, ultimately the corpse under the ground will be me, not him!!!
Love and peace and have a serene day!!!

Treatment Centers? They WANT your Moneyyyy

Hi there,
So in a rare act of courage, I called yet another rehab facility. Yes, I had many questions regarding the treatment process, length, and so forth.
The man who answered the phone behaved like a lawyer. Of course, his main concern was: "when can you make the first deposit?". Bastard!!!! I am in tears, telling this asshole that I will pay for rehab myself and he is pressuring me to make a deposit??? Ughhhhh. I hung up on him after he refused to answer more questions about the treatment itself.
Mind you, he called me back (my office) immediately!!! god forbid he looses a client!
So triple fuck for me, because I was determined to go, thought they would be different....delushional thinking!!!!!!
I have yet to find a place where they actually CARE about the patient/ addict. I am not saying it should be free, of course it is a business after all...but they should be less synical about it!!!
So, I am bitter man!!!
Perhaps I am not ready...All this pesky feelings are flourishing because my fucking birthday is coming up and getting older just reminds me of the nothingness that I have accomplished.
Pitty party , pitty party

ED's and Diabetes

So,
After reading a very intersting article, "The Minnesota Starvation Experiment", I began to think about how, after being diagnosed with Type I Diabetes at 12 and given an extensive list of every food item on the planet, the amount of calories on them and thus the direct impact of food on my body. Almost immediately I became neurotic about my food intake; always dreaming of becoming an anorexic and picturing myself frail and vulnerable. These issues were catapulted by the diagnosis since I had always feelt heavy and a burden to my parents. I believed that if I was a sick child, my mother would be compassionate and caring. Instead, she was mad as hell when I was diagnosed, asking God, "Why me? , Why me?". Of course, not wanting to upset her more, I grieved in silence. After all, it was my fault. Wasn't it?
fast forward 10 years. I am still sick, very much so. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I have developed an addiction to sleeping pills and many other self destructive behaviours.
I am looking for an outlet to tell my story because I know as a fact that about 33% of diabetic patients develop some kind of disordered eating pattern. What else can I say? I am not a victim but I have not had it easy either. And I want to listen to others and I want to be heard as well.
If you are reading this and want to chat please do so!!!

i know what you are thinking

well, yesterday was a very sad day for me. I was not anxious, not angry. plain desperate, lonely and sad. driving home, i started just fucking wondering. how?. I have the tools, or so they say. yet, i protect my disease. my lover, my friend. My bones. I know them and i love them. now i miss them, not because they are pretty. no! because they make me feel safe and restrained. i eat, thus it means that i do have a body, i have needs, i am like any other human being. i am normal. Normal, the scarriest, most loaded word, even more so than "fat" or "heatly". Normal.
Bland. See? i know others feel exactly what i feel and think exactly what i think.
so far, today i have seen two people i care about. on the down side, i am still hiding, and will keep doing so for the rest of the weekend. me, my thoughts and my hedonistic, narcissistic self.